I always came home drunk for the past few days already. Tonight is actually the first time I stayed out not drinking anything but just playing poker here in a friend's house. It does not matter if I win or lose. I do not care how much I spend losing, or earn in winning. I just want to have fun. Maybe if I am drunk, someone will care for me. Or maybe if I win and give my money to everyone, then I will feel that somebody will accept and love me. I am hurting inside but I will hide it as deep as I can and as long as I need to. Nobody can ever see that I have a weak side. No one should ever know that my disorder ruins my life. I never cried infront of other people. Whenever I am in pain, I always keep it and I do not let others see it. Nobody will ever know that I am always hurting inside. Nobody can hurt me again ever.
Kim, you are happy now maybe. Or maybe absolutely happy. I do not exactly know what it was that I should have done so you could have given me a chance. I dunno how exactly you can be happy while unknowingly hurting someone you barely know from afar, because you did not give me a chance to change for you. I disdain myself because of you. If I can do something just so I will not remember anything about you, then I would be more than willing to do everything. I do not hope that someday I will be fooled like the way I did to you. But you do not really know how much I needed to kill my heart so I can forget you because I still think about you every ordinary day. It's always been you. And I am really clueless about how long this would last.
Kim, you are happy now maybe. Or maybe absolutely happy. I do not exactly know what it was that I should have done so you could have given me a chance. I dunno how exactly you can be happy while unknowingly hurting someone you barely know from afar, because you did not give me a chance to change for you. I disdain myself because of you. If I can do something just so I will not remember anything about you, then I would be more than willing to do everything. I do not hope that someday I will be fooled like the way I did to you. But you do not really know how much I needed to kill my heart so I can forget you because I still think about you every ordinary day. It's always been you. And I am really clueless about how long this would last.