This day, daddy came home to the Philippines to visit our family business. Same as what he did a month ago, he asked me to go out with him and drink.
Tonight while sitting inside my own room, I will be trying to put out in this writing everything that I have in mind.
I will try to tell here his words and everything he told me as much as I can remember.
I continue to blog because I do not want to talk about this with anyone. In this world full of judgmental people and those people who come and just immediately go without giving you a chance, I know no one will ever understand me. Not even a Psychiatrist who thinks of himself as an expert of minds.
"You cannot prove anything because you cannot do anything,"
For now, it has been bothering me if I can't really do anything. actually, I don't know what to do or how can I do anything, because for him, everything I do is bullshit and nonsense.
"You have been left twice already, first, by the woman who trashed your 8 year-relationship and your months of engagement and now, by someone who you thought would ever accept you if she learns about your pretentious crap. Then you told your brother, you really liked her."
A mix-up of everything he said. but it has a follow-up I could never forget.
"You really think someone would accept and love a boy like you?"
I suddenly realized that I was born to experience pain. It did not sink in to me until this time. These 2 women chose to leave me because of reasons like what my father said. The first one, threw away almost a half of my life and the second one threw away the only thing I know I could offer and that is to love truthfully. I was not forgiven because I do not deserve it. If daddy only knows that I did not intend to hurt someone because I am not really a liar. I hid myself because of fear and when I finally had the courage to tell her the truth and be real, I was not given a chance because I do not even deserve to be accepted.
For years, I have been hearing a lot of things from my father. A lot of hurtful things that not even me could ever describe. Ever since I was young, I have been trying to please him. Despite the disorder, I have tried to seek for help just so I could be a doctor abroad like him. Wherever he was, I was there because I want to do everything just so I could impress him, even if it takes me to ruin my own dreams and life.
Tonight I realized that there is nothing more I can do. I am the last person who should ask for acceptance from people because even my own father cannot accept me.
Tonight I realize that my life in this world is a mistake because nobody ever told me that I have done anything right.
This life should stop already. I don't want this anymore.
Tonight while sitting inside my own room, I will be trying to put out in this writing everything that I have in mind.
I will try to tell here his words and everything he told me as much as I can remember.
I continue to blog because I do not want to talk about this with anyone. In this world full of judgmental people and those people who come and just immediately go without giving you a chance, I know no one will ever understand me. Not even a Psychiatrist who thinks of himself as an expert of minds.
"You cannot prove anything because you cannot do anything,"
For now, it has been bothering me if I can't really do anything. actually, I don't know what to do or how can I do anything, because for him, everything I do is bullshit and nonsense.
"You have been left twice already, first, by the woman who trashed your 8 year-relationship and your months of engagement and now, by someone who you thought would ever accept you if she learns about your pretentious crap. Then you told your brother, you really liked her."
A mix-up of everything he said. but it has a follow-up I could never forget.
"You really think someone would accept and love a boy like you?"
I suddenly realized that I was born to experience pain. It did not sink in to me until this time. These 2 women chose to leave me because of reasons like what my father said. The first one, threw away almost a half of my life and the second one threw away the only thing I know I could offer and that is to love truthfully. I was not forgiven because I do not deserve it. If daddy only knows that I did not intend to hurt someone because I am not really a liar. I hid myself because of fear and when I finally had the courage to tell her the truth and be real, I was not given a chance because I do not even deserve to be accepted.
For years, I have been hearing a lot of things from my father. A lot of hurtful things that not even me could ever describe. Ever since I was young, I have been trying to please him. Despite the disorder, I have tried to seek for help just so I could be a doctor abroad like him. Wherever he was, I was there because I want to do everything just so I could impress him, even if it takes me to ruin my own dreams and life.
Tonight I realized that there is nothing more I can do. I am the last person who should ask for acceptance from people because even my own father cannot accept me.
Tonight I realize that my life in this world is a mistake because nobody ever told me that I have done anything right.
This life should stop already. I don't want this anymore.